WWP Presents: Giantus Pratus
by evansentranced
Summary: Sequel to HOS. Third Year, Fredn'George give film making another go. This time, their target is none other than the Giantus Pratus of Slytherin: Draco Malfoy. Among others. Crack!fic
1. Draco Malfoy: Paranoius Pratus Giantus

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I wonder what she'd say in these if she had a fanfiction username? "I am JKRowling, All of you revere me as a god." I'd like to see someone try and sue her!_

_Summary: 'Tis a prolouge. For Giantus Pratus. That way I'll actually find the first chappie and get it typed up already. Horrah!_

* * *

It was third year. Draco Malfoy was standing in his room, practicing his Evil Glare O' Doom. He stopped suddenly, and looked around sharply at the door. He could've sworn it had just opened. He stared at the immoblie door for a few moments longer, and cautiously took out his wand. He inched toward it carefully, and, flinging it open, cast the most vicious spell he could think of. 

"Locomotor Mortis!" he cried dramatically.

No one was there.

He ducked his head out of the door and whipped it from side to side, looking for an intruder. The hallway was empty.

"Hmp," he grumbled. He dissapeared into his room for a few moments, and returned with his bag, deciding to get some fresh air. A creaking noise had him spinning around, a no doubt deadly curse on the tip of his tongue, but the hallway was just as empty as it had been three seconds ago. He made his way down to the common and out the solid wall that served as the entrance to the Slytherin dungeons.

Pansy, who was seated by the fire, glanced up from her book and remarked, "Draco sure is paranoid latley, don't you think, Blaise?"

Blaise, a tall dark boy, nodded slightly and replied, "Its all down to those Weasley twins. Ever since they threatened him with 'Giantus Pratus' in second year, he's been going insane."

"Mmm," Pansy muttered, looking back at her book. "You'd think he would realize that he's just giving them more to work with."

Blaise just smirked and stared into the fire, looking dark and broody.

Draco was in the Entrance Hall now, staring around haughtily, as if daring anyone to mess with him. It was just past dinner, and although he'd missed it himself, he knew Vince and Greg would still be in the Great Hall, stuffing themselves. Didn't do good to go around by yourself, just inviting insane clones to chase you with strange muggle devices that recorded everything you did...every move you made...

Draco whipped around, eyes wide, searching the Hall for said muggle devices. Harry Potter and his friends passed by, and while Granger and Weasley ignored him, Potter watched him in amusement.

"Now you know how I felt!" he mouthed to Draco with a big grin on his face. Evil, evil Potter. Draco just knew he was behind it all. Never mind the fact that he was the last victim. Or that he never did get all those negatives back, regardless of what the evil red clones said. Draco had seen copies circulating through the school, had even confiscated a couple from some Slytherin girls. He'd sold them afterward, of course, for a hefty sum to a couple of Hufflepuff bints. Just because other houses were into that kind of perverted, potter-esque stuff didn't mean his should be. They were above that kind of thing. And it was Potter, for godsake! Draco shuddered very slightly, and entered the Great Hall. He caught sight of Vince and Greg stuffing their faces and shuddered again.

He saw a flash of red out of the corner of his eye, and immediatley spun around so the Gryffindor table was in plain sight. It had been stupid of him to lose focus like that. They might catch him. Indeed, the Red Twins were staring at him, grinning cheekily. So they were up to something...Draco glared, and walked to his table in a dignified, I'm-better-than-you-and-don't-forget-it sort of way.

Let's see them make a movie out of _that_.


	2. The Great Hall

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: I didn't do it, I didn't steal it._

_Summary: A rather short first chapter...WWP movie set in third year. Who wants to see the sequel to Heir of Slytherin? (hint...look down...) All the people reviewing and asking for Giantus Pratus have gotten their wish... cue wild cheers... _

**_

* * *

_**

"Attention, everyone!" Fred and George Weasley rose from the Gryffindor table during lunch one day in late May and addressed the crowd. "WWP has produced our newest film, Giantus Pratus, which will be playing tonight-"

"-Right here in the Great Hall beginning at eight o'clock sharp."

"Tickets are five galleons apiece-"

"-Three for first years."

"Thank you, that is all."

Their last few words were drown out by exclamations of interest, and loud conversation immediatley filled the Hall.

"Did you really make another one?" Ron asked apprehensively, clearly remembering his singing debut last year.

"I hope this one is better than the last," Harry added, cringing as Fred sat down across from him. "I got all the negatives back, right?"

"Yes, we made another," George said with a grin. "And yes, Harry, of course you got all the negatives." He winked at Colin and a few girls down the table.

"You three are coming for the first showing, right?" Fred added, glancing at Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"So long as we get special discounts for being friends-"

"-and family-" Ron added quickly.

"-with the directors." Harry finished, casting an amused glance at Ron. They were starting to sound like the twins themselves.

"Course, mate!" George said generously. "For you, it only costs four Sickles and twenty-seven Knuts!"

"Gee, thanks," Hermione said dryly. "So, what did you say it was called again?"

"Giantus Pratus." George said casually, taking a sip of pumpkin juice.

Ron's eyes widened in disbelief. "You didn't."

Fred grinned, as his brother was otherwise occupied, and asked, "Didn't we?"

* * *

That night at approximately 7:45 pm, Fred and George stood at the entrance to the Great Hall, selling tickets and directing people to open seating as the Hall slowly filled. Lee Jordan waved at them with one hand, as his other was holding a large box of assorted sweets. 

"Fred, my man!" he shouted, stepping forward in line. "Can I interest you in a Fizzing Whizzbee? Cockroach Cluster? Acid Pop?"

"Are you selling those in here, Lee?" Fred inquired, abandoning his post to root through the goods in Lee's box as he nodded vigorously.

"Yes sir," Lee said with a grin. "Course, you'll be getting your eight percent cut, as usual."

"I thought it was ten," Fred said thoughtfully, pocketing several Acid Pops and a couple boxes of Bertie Botts.

"Not anymore, it isn't," Lee said, eyeing Fred's sticky fingers pointedly. Fred grinned and went back to ticket sales.

At eight, they closed the doors on the rather large crowd still waiting to get in.

"Alright, that's it!" George called out to the disgruntled crowd. "Eight o'clock! Sorry folks! We're all sold out! Come back tomorrow!"

"Hang on," Fred said, pointing at several people. "You, you and you. You're in!"

"Now, Fred, don't tease the customers!" George chortled as he slammed the doors in their faces. He cracked the door open again an inch or so and yelled, "Come back tomorrow! It'll be playing all week!"

With that, they turned and made their way back to the seats Harry, Ron and Hermione had saved them in the front row.

"Lollipop, Ron?" Fred asked innocently, holding out an Acid Pop for him to take.

Ron eyed it suspiciously. "Oh, no! I'm not falling for that one again!" he said with wide eyes.

George snickered at him, and Ron looked about ready to stuff the lollipop somewhere unpleasant, when the Hall was suddenly plunged into darkness and the room went relatively silent.

A large, glowing white screen was rising slowly from the ground in front of the teacher's table.

"Shh!" Hermione whispered at Harry and Ron unnecessarily, "It's starting!"

"Quiet!" Fred and George whispered as one. Hermione shut her mouth tightly and looked up at the screen in time to see…

* * *

_A/N: Well? Where's my wild cheering? I'm waiting...:taps foot impatiently: Wait. This doesn't deserve wild cheering. Maybe next chapter. So nevermind about the wild cheering. All the other chapters are going to be MUCH longer than this, don't worry... I'm sorry about the shortness...  
_


	3. Medius and Minimus Pratus

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: I didn't do it, I didn't take it, I didn't steal it._

_A/N: This story works the same as the last. Italics/Bold is the movie. Everything else is...well...everything else._

* * *

_**"Welcome, welcome." George stands next to a fire, dressed in a posh red robe with a scarf knotted about his neck. His hair is slicked back and heholds a pipe. "Tonight, we will discover the social habits of the English 'Giantus Pratus'! Follow WWP as we charter this strange creatures' social and mating habits."**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Excuse me!" Malfoy stood up suddenly, looking very angry, "If you're going to do what I think you're going to do, then you damn well better stop this movie right now!"

"Gee, Malfoy," Harry drawled, in a fine imitation of Malfoy himself, "If you honestly think this is about you-"

"It's called 'Giantus Pratus'!"

"So you agree you're a giant prat?" Ron asked hopefully. Malfoy scowled and sat down.

"I've seen a bit anyway," Harry whispered. "Since last year, all the movies have to have my approval. Or I burn them. Anyway, it's not all about him."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_If you look carefully at this scene, you will be able to spot at least one type of Pratus in the herd." The image is of a large crowd of students, shoving their way down a corridor. Percy is evident among them, railing about being Head Boy and getting pushed a lot._**

**"_That's right." The picture zooms in on Percy's attempt at dignified exasperation. "The Pratus makes his way through the crowd, trying and failing to lead. He is like the beta male of the pack, the jester of the jungle, the middle dog, the-"_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Alright, alright, we get it!" yelled a supremely annoyed voice. Percy came barging toward them, ears quite red, looking very peeved. "Fred, George, I'm going to write mum about this!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_The Pratus is uncommonly touchy, mentally incapable of taking a joke, and will run to an authority figure at the first sign of unauthorized fun. _**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Percy reddened and sat down abruptly. Fred and George smirked at each other. Malfoy looked as though he was trying very, very hard to contain himself.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_There are many breeds of Pratus. This particular breed is known as the Medius Pratus. Note his stiff posture and tell tale stick-up-the-arse prowl." Percy is eventually shoved out of view of the camera, and Roger Davies struts into the picture instead._**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Hang on a second," Malfoy muttered from his seat nearby. Fred glanced at him, as did Hermione, and he said nothing more, just stared calculatingly at the screen.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_Aha!" Movie-Fred said, "Here we see another breed of Pratus! My, but they're plentiful today! There must have been a serious bout of rule-breaking somewhere!" Roger Davies struts through the halls, prefect badge glinting below his Quidditch captain badge on his chest. A small band of people follows him, chatting animatedly._**

**"_This breed, the Minimus Pratus, is a much less volatile, much more irritating creature." _**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Roger Davies made a displeased noise from his seat amongst his Ravenclaw cronies. "If I must be a 'Pratus'", he called to Fred, "Can I at least not be referred to as _Minimus_?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_The Minimus Pratus can be recognized by it's self assured strut, small band of followers, (who will abandon the Minimus Pratus if a more promising Pratus comes along) and the ability to make known the fact that he _is,_ indeed, a Pratus. This is usually done very simply, (for the Minimus Pratus dislikes complication, you see) by the insertion of the foot into the mouth. Like so:_**

_**Roger stands with Susan Bones in a corridor, "So he says, 'my parents are dead!', so I say, 'yeah, so are mine, don't see me whinging on about it!'" Susan looks distinctly uncomfortable, but Roger continues talking and laughing at his own jokes, oblivious. **_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Roger sputtered incoherently for a moment. His friends gave him slightly scornful looks and edged slightly away.

"See?" Fred asked, grinning, "Open foot, insert mouth! Such a prat."

Harry just grinned and shook his head. He was in a very good mood, having not been mentioned once so far. He had found that he loved Fred and George's movies, at least when he wasn't in them.

"Poor Susan," Hermione whispered, "Davies is such a prat, talking like that when her uncle…"

"Yes, yes it's all very sad," Ron said, sounding very slightly impatient. "But Herm, you're making me miss the movie!"

Ron was subjected to Hermione's fearsome glare, but, other than a mutter that sounded distinctly like "Don't call me Herm," Hermione was silent.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_It should be noted that Prattishness can be genetic, but not always. Our resident Medius Pratus is a prime example. His parents -" A snapshot of Mr. and Mrs. Weasley flashes on screen, with both waving and smiling cheerily. "- are not of the prattish persuasion. Except perhaps the mother on a bad day." Mrs. Weasley scowls suddenly, butseconds later reverts tobeaming and waving with her husband._**

**"_Of his kin, it appears that his elder brothers are not tainted with prattish tendencies." The picture of their parents is replaced by a picture of Bill and Charlie, waving energetically at the camera. "Although their Auntie Mabel has many of tendencies that point toward Prattishness." Bill and Charlie are replaced by a grumpy looking old woman who glares irritably at the screen before ducking behind the frame of her picture. _**

**"_His younger twin brothers, Fred and George, are not only Prat-free, but are also quite good looking and debonair." Fred and George wink and wave at the camera cheekily. _**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Is there a point to this?" Hermione asked the two twins, who were now winking and waving back at their movie selves, "Or are you two just showing off?"

"Turning into Lockhart, are you?" Ron asked, watching them doubtfully. They immediately stopped their antics and glared at him.

"Pay attention to the movie you lot," Fred said, an evil sort of glint in his eye.

Ron glanced up at the screen and asked, "Am I going to like this?"

Fred pretended to think for a moment. "Probably not," he and George said in unison.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_The youngest of his siblings, Ronald and Ginerva,"_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"George! Fred!" Ginny scowled, slapping them both in the back of the head and causing them both to wince, "What have I _told_ you two about using my name?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"-_Are quite different. Ginny is following in the footsteps of her elder brothers," Fred and George wink at the camera again. "-and is becoming quite the clever and formidable opponent." _**

_**Ginny smiles and waves cutley at the camera, before using a very nasty hex on Colin Creevy, which causes him to sprout tentacles all over his face. **_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Hermione was appalled. "Ginny!"

"He agreed to it!" Fred said defensively, slinging an arm around Ginny's shoulders. "And besides, even if he didn't, it was for Harry's honour! The whole 'missing pictures' catastrophe and all."

Harry grinned at Ginny, who promptly blushed. "Really, Ginny? Thanks!"

"Even if she was the one who bought the pictures…" Fred whispered so that everyone but Harry, who had turned back to the movie, heard him. Ginny's eyes widened and her blush became more pronounced as they all grinned at her knowingly.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**"_Now Ron, on the other hand, is also following in the footsteps of an elder brother." Ron waves tentatively at the camera. "Just…not the same one…"_**

_**The picture of Fred and George shatters, to be replaced by a picture of Percy in all his pompous glory.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Ron groaned and put his face in his hands. At this point, Percy frowned and stood, declaring, "What's so wrong with Ronald wanting to follow in _my_ footsteps? "

Fred and George just grinned at him, and Ron groaned again. Hermione and Ginny patted him on the back sympathetically, and Harry watched, knowing something good was about to happen.

"In fact," Percy said, getting into his stride, "I think Ron would do well to practice a few manners, and you'd all do well to show more respect to authority!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_Percy stands over Fred and George in a dimly lit room and yells, "You'd _****_all do better to show some _respect to authority_!"_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared up at the screen, awed and confused as what Percy said was immediately duplicated by Movie-Percy.

"And what's more, I think mum would be very interested…" He trailed off and looked up at the screen.

"Is there an echo in here?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**Percy continues to berate Fred and George. "And what's more, I think mum would be very interested…Is there an echo in here?"**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Percy's eyes widened. He waved a hand experimentally in the air. Tittering filled the Hall around him as people figured out what was going on.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**Percy waves a hand around in the air, looking for a moment like a confused monkey. Fred's voice over proclaims: "This is what young Ronald has decided to emulate."**_

_**

* * *

**_

_A/N: Well? Do you like it? Do you realize, that at the time I'm writing this, I still haven't found the first chapter? I think he's mad at me or something...ah well...I shall go find him now. Poor dear's probably lost under a bed or something... And Malfoy will come into it soon, I promise. Fred and George are just holding off to make him let down his guard...heh heh..._


	4. The Giantus Pratus

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I wonder what she'd say in these if she had a fanfiction username? "I am JKRowling, All of you revere me as a god." I'd like to see someone try and sue her!_

_Summary: Chapter Three...things really get going..._

* * *

Since last year's dueling fiasco, it had been agreed by all the teachers that several competent chaperones be present at every showing of one of Fred and George's movies. 

Which meant that Percy was removed from the hall with very little damage done, except that several rows of seating had to be set back up again, and Fred had a small bump on the side of his head.

"I count myself lucky that Percy was always too prudish to learn how to hit properly," he was heard to have said after all the commotion had died down. "Now back to the real show."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"As it has already been stated, there are many breeds of Pratus. But none are so fearsome as the dreaded 'Giantus Pratus'." Draco Malfoy stands in the centre of a hall, looking very smug and pratlike, until a suspiciously red-haired blur zooms by and knocks him off balance._**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"I KNEW it!" Malfoy exclaimed, outraged but triumphant. "I _knew_ you Weasels were going to put me in this! Wait-"

He glanced suspiciously up at the screen, but it showed nothing but a few more random shots of Malfoy being prattish.

Harry grinned at him and said, "Oh, well done your Great Pratliness. You figured out that they were going to put you in a movie titled 'Giantus Pratus'. I'm sure that took a lot of brainwork on your part."

Malfoy glared at him, eyes still darting about warily, in case he was being filmed. He opened his mouth to give a no doubt _fabulously_ witty reply, but was cut off by the movie continuing it's monologue.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**"The Giantus Pratus is the most extreme of all the Pratus breeds. His powers of irritation are second to...very few." Malfoy sits behind Harry in Potions and pokes him repeatedly in the back of the head with a sharp quill, feigning innocence whenever Harry turns around.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"I knew that was him," Harry muttered with a pained expression, rubbing the back of his still tender head.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"While most breeds of Pratus actually have some level of authority, the Giantus Pratus relies solely on his ability to smarm up to authority figures." Harry finally snaps and turns to start yelling at Malfoy, at which point Malfoy puts on an upset expression and calls Professor Snape over to their seat. Professor Snape smirks and takes points off Gryffindor. Malfoy smirks victoriously at Harry behind Snape's back._**

**_Later, Malfoy stands in the middle of a large group of Slytherins, nursing his injured arm and gloating loudly about how angry his father is about the hippogriff attack._**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Harry, Ron and Hermione turned around to glare at Malfoy who seemed pleased by his Potter-baiting ability and the fact that nothing terrible involving giant monsters or nudity had happened so far.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"_****_The Giantus Pratus has, like the Minimus Pratus, a herd that follows him about." Malfoy walks down a corridor, flanked by Crabbe, Goyle and a simpering Pansy._**

**_"Unlike the Medius Pratus, however, the herd that the Giantus Pratus commands is composed, not of wankers, but of goons and lesser gits. Given the chance, they will not drop the Giantus Pratus."_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

At this, Malfoy turned and nodded at his 'goons and lesser gits' with a grin. Pansy in particular smiled back at him, then turned up her nose at Fred and George.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

****

"They will, however, rise to take his place as Head Pratus."

Malfoy waves goodbye to his 'herd' and walks away. Pansy makes several rude hand gestures at him behind his back while Crabbe and Goyle chortle appreciatively.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Malfoy's eyes widened as he looks back at his goons and lesser gits, who looked shocked and only very slightly guilty.

"That wasn't me, Drakie, I swear it!" Pansy cried out, clinging to Malfoy's arm pitifully. "They used some kind of spell or trick with those stupid cameras of theirs, I promise!"

Malfoy stared at her suspiciously until he heard a faint snigger from Fred and George's group. Harry was grinning at him and Ron was laughing openly.

"Shut up, you wannabe Minimus Pratus," he sneered at Ron, effectively silencing him. Harry continued to grin at him, unabashed, so Malfoy added, "Hm, I wonder where all the topless pictures of Potter have gotten to? I haven't seen one yet!"

Harry blanched at this, and turned to glare suspiciously at George and Colin.

"Hey!" Fred said, hands raised in order to shield himself from the terror of Potter-wrath. "The fact that there are no topless pictures is a _good_ thing, yeah?"

Harry gave them one last paranoia-filled glare before turning to smirk insolently at Malfoy and settle back into his chair to watch the rest of the movie.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"Now during our research on this fascinating creature, we learned a few things about the general reaction to a Giantus Pratus."_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Malfoy jumped to his feet, fumbling for his wand. He pointed it at Fred and George. "What did you do!"

Fred, George and Harry grinned, completely unworried at the idea of having Malfoy's wand pointed at their heads.

"Don't worry, Malfoy," Fred said amicably. "Nothing too damaging."

Malfoy continued to look panicked, so Harry stepped in and reassured him.

"Which just means that everyone already knows about it anyway. Now they just get to see it."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"Observe as the Giantus Pratus attempts to approach a member of the fairer sex."_**

**_Malfoy makes a comment about Hagrid, and Hermione descends on him and slaps him full across the face with a loud smacking sound. He staggers back, shock written across his features. Harry and Ron stand behind her in awe as she raises her hand for another go._**

**_"Obviously, he has not done well. The pheromones he exudes are repulsive, and the female is enraged at the mere sight of the Giantus Pratus. Let's see that again."_**

**_Smack!_**

**_"One more time, for informational purposes."_**

**_Smack!_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Stop that!" Malfoy cried over the laughter, cheeks bright red. "Stop repeating it!"

"I dunno, Malfoy," George said, grinning. "I think we need to see it once more."

He pulled out his wand and rewound the movie.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"Observe as the Giantus Pratus attempts to approach a member of the fairer sex..."_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Malfoy stood in front of Fred and George, wincing every time his movie-self was slapped.

"Stop that," he repeated angrily, raising his wand as though to hex them. George's eyes widened comically.

"Quick, Hermione!" he cried, pulling Hermione out of her seat and placing her in front of them. "Get rid of Malfoy! Slap him again!"

Malfoy flushed and took an involuntary step back. Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, then rounded on Fred and George.

"You two are the limit!" she said, frustrated. "What was all that about pheromones? I can't believe you were recording that! Whatever happened to privacy?"

"Yeah..." Malfoy said faintly from behind her.

"Shut up, Malfoy," she said distractedly.

"Yeah, Malfoy, let the adults handle this," Ron said with a grin.

"So you should probably keep your mouth closed to, eh Ron?"

"Be quiet, Harry."

"Sorry Hermione."

"George, I swear," Hermione continued warningly. "If I _ever_ find out you're filming me without my knowledge again, I will make you suffer."

George raised a politely incredulous eyebrow, and Hermione continued. "I _will_ write to your mum."

Both twins recoiled in shock.

"You wouldn't!" Fred gasped. She'd just gone over the line.

"Watch me," Hermione said dangerously, taking her seat again. "Now let's finish this."

"That goes double for me," Malfoy called, trying to get in one last word. "I'll write your mother too."

"No, you won't," Fred said absentmindedly.

"And why not?" Malfoy asked, sneering. "I could write to your mum if I wanted to."

Fred and George looked at each other. "You don't know how to contact her,"

"She'd think the letter was hexed, coming from a Malfoy and all,"

"You'd never _lower_ yourself, you great prat,"

"And we'll sic Hermione on you if you even try."

Hermione glared at them again. "All of you sit down and let's watch the movie. Malfoy, go back to your seat."

Malfoy glared at her, but hurried back to his seat all the same.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"That certainly was informational. Now, as the Giantus Pratus has failed miserably with his own species, it is only sporting that he give it a try with another sort."_**

**_Harry has just succeeded with Buckbeak, and Malfoy has taken him to practice with. Malfoy bows, and Buckbeak bows back._**

**_"Well, well, perhaps the Giantus Pratus will have more success with this male hippogriff than he did with the female of his own species. While this could cause some awkward moments when it comes to mating, all that really matters is that they are happy together."_**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Harry, Ron, Hermione and, across the hall, Malfoy, all stared up at the screen, frozen in disbelief.

"Did you honestly just..." Ron began faintly.

"I don't remember this bit..." Harry added in the same sort of voice.

Malfoy was simply staring at the screen, jaw on the floor.

At precisely the same moment, Ron and Harry looked at each other and burst into almost hysterical laughter.

"I can't believe you...!"

"Gah!"

Malfoy had recovered from his shock and launched himself at Fred and George, wand and all sense apparently forgotten.

Crabbe and Goyle, who up to this point had been watching quietly, now ambled across the room and stood behind Malfoy, uncertain of what they should be doing.

"Help me, you great imbeciles!"

Crabbe made a faint 'oohh' sound, and both scrambled over to help.

"Alright, that's enough," Professor Lupin had decided that leaving well enough alone wasn't going to work in this case, and had ambled over to break things up.

Malfoy reluctantly detached himself from Fred, and George scrambled away from Crabbe. Malfoy was nearly as prudish as Percy, and neither twin had had enough time to get really hurt by his goons.

"Mister Malfoy, while I understand that this might be embarrassing for you, violence is not the correct response in this case," Professor Lupin said sternly. "Especially not muggle brawling. I would have thought you would consider yourself above such things. Perhaps you should leave."

Malfoy reddened and shook his head.

"Professor," he said slowly, as though questioning the accuracy of the title. "I understand that my...behavior was uncouth, but I feel that I need to remain in the Hall in order to...be aware of what these Gryffindors are saying about me. Sir." As his speech progressed, his voice became less and less mocking and more and more ingratiating. Ron, who was standing out of his sight, pretended to vomit down his front. Harry kept quiet, but locked eyes with Professor Lupin and jerked his head at Malfoy, then up at the screen, as though to say, 'What a Giantus Pratus'. Professor Lupin hid a smile and nodded thoughtfully at Malfoy.

"I appreciate that, Draco, but I think that perhaps you should restrain yourself." Ron's jaw dropped, and Fred and George scowled. "If you think that you might be unable to, I'm sure we can find a way to...curb your enthusiasm."

Fred and George's heads snapped up eagerly. Malfoy looked very slightly appalled. "I think I can restrain myself, sir," he said carefully, and with that he strode quickly back to his seat and placed himself carefully between Crabbe and Goyle, who effectively shielded him from view.

"Professor!" Hermione said, scandalized. "Did you just threaten to..."

"Of course not, Miss Granger," Professor Lupin said placidly. "I would never do such a thing."

She nodded slightly, still a bit shocked, and Professor Lupin gestured at the empty seat next to Harry. "Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked courteously. Harry shook his head, still grinning, and the professor took a seat.


	5. Alpha Pratus

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: Oh, go away._

_Summary: The final chapter...you know, I really had no idea how long this was going to be...sorry for the wait. bleh. I'm bad at updates. Oh well. Enjoy!_

* * *

"Flavor bean, Professor?" 

"Yes, thank you very much," Professor Lupin took a red colored bean and popped it into his mouth. "Mm, cinnamon... Now let's get back to this engrossing film."

Fred grinned and used his wand to start up the movie again.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**"Are they happy together? Could Draco Malfoy, Giantus Pratus of Hogwarts, have finally found true love?"**_

_**Malfoy stands casually next to Buckbeak, patting his beak disdainfully. "You're not dangerous at all, are you? Are you, you great ugly brute?"**_

_**"Well...perhaps not. Once again, we witness the ever present repulsive charms of the Giantus Pratus coming into effect."**_

_**Buckbeak reacts violently to Malfoy's question, rearing up on his hind legs and slashing viciously at Malfoy with his talons. Malfoy lets out a high pitched, girlish scream and falls to the ground.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Fred hissed through his teeth. "Every time we see that, it looks more painful. Don't you agree, George?"

George grinned and raised his wand. "Absolutley. Shall I?"

"Please do."

"Please _don't!_" Malfoy yelled from the back, grimacing as he rubbed his arm.

"What's wrong, Malfoy?" Ron called gleefully. "Still feeling the rejection?"

"Now, now, boys," Professor Lupin said calmly. "Let's not start another fight. I don't think any of you would like to have to be removed from the Hall."

Ron ducked his head and Malfoy fell silent. Harry grinned up at Professor Lupin and said, "Wow, sir. Things get a little less wild when you're around. Maybe we'll actually be able to watch the movie without these two _howling_ at each other every other second!"

Professor Lupin nodded quickly and fixed his eyes resolutely on the screen. Hermione coughed slightly and covered a smile with her fist.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**Malfoy writhes in pain on the ground, blood gushing from his arm as he moans, "I'm dying! I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!"**_

_**"Fortune favors our young pratus, as his knight in shining...moleskin...rushes to his aid." **_

_**"Yer not dyin'!" Hagrid rushes over to Malfoy, scoops him up and carries him off to the castle. **_

_**"Aww... let's pause for a moment and watch the star crossed lovers ride off into the sunset..."**_

_**Hagrid carries Malfoy off to the school, framed against the bright sunlight as a large, bulky silhouette. Soft, romantic music plays in the background.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Harry was rolling on the floor, laughing helplessly.

Ron grinned broadly at his brothers. "Hagrid?" he exclaimed, "You two are shameless!"

"You know Hagrid can never see this," Fred stated unequivocally. "Or hear of this, or be in any way remotely aware that he was in this movie."

Harry was still gasping for breath on the floor.

"Boys," Professor Lupin said, trying to mask the twinkle in his eyes, "I think you should at least inform him that he is in the movie. You could be in serious trouble otherwise."

"Yes, sir. We'll try to tell him soon," George said, head down so the Professor wouldn't see his broad grin. Lupin's lips twitched.

"That's all I ask," he said, shaking his head almost fondly.

Harry finally sat up and, wiping the tears from his eyes, asked, "Why isn't Malfoy screaming at you right now?"

They all looked around at his chair. Crabbe was physically restraining a furiously struggling Malfoy while Goyle kept one hand clamped firmly over his mouth and Pansy whispered frantically at him. It didn't seem to be calming him any.

"Well, if he can't do anything, there's no reason to worry," Fred said reasonably, as Ron grinned and waved mockingly at Malfoy. The struggling increased. They could faintly hear enraged and muffled screams coming from between Goyle's fingers.

Hermione and Harry watched him incredulously for a moment, before Hermione shrugged and said, "Well, if it works..."

Harry nodded and they both turned back to watch the rest of the movie.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"There is a theory that suggests that the female of the Pratus' species is drawn to the injured, hurting male. It is as though they wish to 'nurse him back to health'. This theory is greatly romanticized in most dirty -er- _romantic _novels researched by the proprietors of this documentary. Perhaps, now that the Giantus Pratus has been injured, we can test this theory. Is he, in fact, more desirable with a shredded arm? Let's find out..."_**

_**Malfoy lays in a bed in the hospital wing, moaning and clutching his arm. Hagrid stands by anxiously as Madame Pomphrey checks him over and, after a few waves of her wand, pronounces him fine.**_

_**Malfoy continues to moan and groan in pain, and Pomphrey rolls her eyes and gives him a sling. Hagrid begins looking less anxious and more irritated. **_

_**"Well, well. It appears that no amount of pain and injury will keep potential mates from fleeing in disgust." George shook his head sadly. "Perhaps this Pratus will remain alone forever...perhaps he will go through life, repulsive and undesirable to woman, hippogriff and overlarge professor alike..." **_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Ron started snickering, but was stopped shortby a confusing development to his left.

"Awww!" Hermione and Ginny sighed in unison. "How sad!"

"Sad?" Ron asked incredulously. "Would one of you date him?"

Hermione's expression immediately switched from sappy to revolted. "Ugh, of course not! That's not right, Ron."

"Agreed," Ginny added helpfully. "But that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel bad for the bloke. You just have to pretend it isn't Malfoy."

Ron appeared completely stumped, and as though he was seconds away from throwing up his hands in confusion and stalking off. Harry blinked at them both, then furrowed his brow thoughtfully. "I suppose...if it wasn't Malfoy...that'd be a bit sad, yeah..."

Fred elbowed Harry and grinned at them all. "See! You three are drawn to the pathetic cripple!"

Harry bristled with indignation in a way that was so reminiscent of Hermione, it was a wonder she didn't sue for copyright infringement. "Excuse me?" he asked huffily. "I am _not _a girl!"

No one said anything. Harry looked around to see Ron and Hermione suppressing smiles and glancing at the twins, who were outright smirking.

"What?" he asked warily.

"Don't worry, Harry," Fred said reassuringly, still with that wickedly suspicious smirk on his face. "I promise you no one here will ever accuse you of being a girl."

"What? What do you mean? What- "

"And back to the movie!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**"Alas, it is true. The Giantus Pratus, by virtue of his kind, is repulsive to any and all potential mates, and will therefore be bitter and childless all his life. Take, for example, the alpha male Pratus of Hogwarts."**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"No..." Hermione said, staring at the screen with wide eyes as something clicked in her head. "You didn't..."

Professor Lupin glanced at her, then up at the screen. He then turned around in his seat and scanned the back of the room for a moment. "He's not here," he said thoughtfully. "So I would estimate that, after showing this, you boys would have..." he checked his watch. "Half an hour to get somewhere safe and barricade yourselves in."

Fred and George nodded seriously and synchronized their watches.

Harry followed this conversation curiously as Ron craned his neck to see who _wasn't_ standing at the back of the room.

"Who are they talking about?" he asked, snickering as he glanced over at Malfoy. "The git's still hog-tied by his cronies."

"Boys?" Professor Lupin asked as Fred and George finished their preparations.

"Yes, Professor?"

"First of all, I think those three should hide as well," Professor Lupin said, waving his hand at Harry, Ron and Hermione. "And I wouldn't recommend Gryffindor Tower."

"Yes sir," Fred said solemnly. "We have other places we can go."

Professor Lupin smiled indulgently at him. "I'll bet you have."

"It sounds like they're about to go to war," Ron whispered to Harry.

"I think they might be," Hermione told them, picking up her bag and getting ready to run. "C'mon you guys."

"Why?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**Professor Snape appears on the screen in all his terrifying glory. **_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"That's why."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**_"Yes, the greatest Giantus Pratus of all, one Severus Snape. He is the goal to which all Prati aspire, the only Pratus with an _entire _Whomping Willow shoved up his...erm...posterior, and by far possessing the least facial expressions of any being that ever graced these hallowed halls."_**

_**Various snapshots of Professor Snape showed that, whether he was castigating a first year or having tea, his expression of disdainful scorn rarely changed.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Well that's just weird," Harry muttered, staring up at the screen in open bewilderment and ignoring Hermione. "I never noticed it before, but he really does have only one or two facial expressions, doesn't he?"

"Yes, yes, it's all very mysterious. Harry, we have to get out of here!" Hermione grabbed him and Ron by the arms and started tugging them down the aisle toward the large doors at the end of the hall, through which Fred, George and several (presumably tattling) Slytherins had already dashed moments before.

"Why?" Ron asked unhappily. "We didn't do it! I want to see the rest!"

"If he can't find your brothers, you know he'll go after you next, and Harry and I by association!" Hermione was tugging harder now, and they were following mostly willingly. "He'll probably have us in detention for the rest of the year!"

"And we all know how much he loves picking on us..." Harry muttered irritably. "D'you think Fred and George'll give us free copies of the movie, you know, as we're apparently their unofficial scapegoats?"

"They'd better," Ron muttered crossly.

Harry caught the next few lines as he left the hall.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**"It goes without saying that this is one Pratus who will never, ever procreate, to the immense relief of all those that are forced to endure his company. Now, unfortunately, this documentary has to be cut short, in order to give the directors time to flee the wrath of the most hostile (and hopefully sterile) Pratus they've ever come into contact with. As an offering to any disappointed viewers out there, the remainder of the movie will be gratuitous topless pictures of our favorite boy hero, with a slight twist.**_

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"WHAT!"

Harry stopped dead at the doorway and turned to stare up at the screen.

"Harry! We have to GO!" Hermione cried desperately, tugging on his arm. "Hurry!"

"But! I! They! Bastards!" Harry seemed incoherent in his rage, and was not able to do much more than stare up at the screen. It was indeed topless pictures of Harry. But rather than just leave his body alone and leave it at that, Fred and George had somehow managed to turn it into the ending credits by pasting the indicated person's head onto Harry's shirtless body.

At the moment, the screen read, "Giantus Pratus - Draco Malfoy."

Harry, through his rage-induced haze, realized that the only other objection in the entire Hall was coming from Malfoy himself, who had been released and was complaining that he looked alot better than _that_ topless, thank you very much. Everyone else seemed to be quite enjoying themselves, at least until the next person was introduced and pasted on.

"Alpha Pratus - Severus Snape."

It was at this point that Harry fled the (now revolted) Hall in terror and ran all the way to Fred and George's safehouse beneath the humpbacked witch. It wasn't until much, much later that he realized that the traumatized screams that allowed Professor Snape to find and punish the lot of them were his own.

The audience that remained in the Great Hall after that point was very small, and so it was only Professor Lupin and a few distressed Hufflepuffs that saw the very end of the movie:

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_**A gruffly angelic dwarf marched down the corridor, singing 'His eyes are green as a fresh pickled toad…' at the top of his lungs. He supported one half of a large banner, three slashkilters carrying the other half and dancing gleefully. The banner flashed its message to the Hall: "This has been a production of WWP. WWP may be a sub-corporation of WWW. Some rights reserved. WWP is not responsible for any copyright infringement. The views represented in this film are not necessarily the beliefs of WWP. Any unauthorized distribution, copying, exhibition, replication, display, presentation, or reproduction of this film may be punishable by a small fine and/or life sentence to Azkaban. Donations always welcome."**_

* * *

_A/N: And there you have it. Giantus Pratus. About the Snape's face thing. You understand if you've ever seen those slideshows about those two Hollywood...divas...for lack of a better word, who do the same thing. 'Tis truly disturbing..._


End file.
